Wednesday, 8 July 2015

10 Superficial Things I Miss About 'Straya

There are 3 things you should know about me before you read on. 1) I like to complain about things even if I'm having the time of my life. No idea why... call it a quirk. 2) I'm unashamedly superficial... but I'm also really nice to puppies and always give up my seat on the bus for old people so it all comes out in the wash. 3) I really like lists. Clearly. 

Read on for the 10 superficial things I miss most about home. There are gifs involved so it's definitely worth your time. 

1. Bonds underwear (I swear the gif above is totally necessary!)
If you're reading this from Australia, raise your hands and praise the good Lord for the gift that is Bonds underwear. Being a naturally lazy person, the fact that I'm forced to do laundry through the sheer necessity of needing clean underwear irks me. As such, I often opt to buy new undies instead. Little did I know, reasonably priced, attractive, non-yeast infection causing underwear is as hard to find as a decent flat white. Marks and Spencer is okaaay... but Bonds knickers are worth their weight in crack. Pun intended. Note: I've now discovered that Bonds underwear is available at John Lewis... with a 250% markup on the Australian RRP. Eeep!

2. Non-applicator tampons
Okay so we're rapidly heading into TMI territory here but for reals Britain, why do you need to have a plastic syringe type thing to shoot tampons into your vajayjay? It's not good for the environment or my peace of mind. Admittedly, there are non-applicator tampons available here but giiiirrrrlll they are few and far between (also, I want to buy the tampons in the pretty packaging, not the ghetto looking ones so do me a solid, Tampax and get rid of those applicators!).

3. Normal water
London is a vast, thriving metropolis... with a Victorian era plumbing system that leeches so many minerals into the water, I feel that I'm at risk of calcifying every time I step under the shower spray. Hard water wreaks havoc on hair and skin and I'm yet to find a solution other than bathing in bottled mineral water (I'm fancy as fuck but even I know that's excessive). 

4. Climate control
It really does get hot in London! Trust! It actually got up to a scorching 33°C last week. *insert eye roll*. All jokes aside, it really does get hot here for a few days a year and unfortunately, Londoners just aren't equipped to cope with the freak weather. This means no air conditioning and a sweaty Australian who's used to having far more control over her surroundings.

5. Cheap (and good!) Asian Food
Australia's proximity to Asia means that, on any given day of the week, you can stuff your face with delicious treats from Malaysia, Vietnam, Thailand, China and Japan for under 10 Aussie clams (that's less than 5 quid for you Brits!). While Asian food is available here in London, it's not as fresh or as prevalent as it is in Australia. It makes me so sad to think of all the rice paper rolls I'm missing out on right now. 

6. Vegemite
Supermarkets in Aussie dominated neighbourhoods do thankfully stock Vegemite (holler at you, Shepherd's Bush!) but it's in the tiny, itty bitty jars that normally sit neglected on the shelves of Australian supermarkets. So that I don't have to ration my Vegemite consumption, I need one of those big fuck-off, family sized jars. Fo' reals.

7. Ice cold beer
A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer... but you won't get that big cold beer in London, my friend. You'll get something amber, in a glass served at something called cellar temperature. Never again will you see the sexy slide of a droplet of condensation on the outside of your pint glass. Whyyyyyyy?!

8. Schwarzkopf Nordic Blonde Toner
There is many a bottle blonde here in the British Isles. What there isn't, is a good toner with which these glorious, flaxen haired beauties can use to get rid of the brassy tones in their hair. Being an Asian sensation, my chemically abused, balayaged mane has a higher propensity for brassiness so one of my absolute beauty must-haves is a big tube of this bright blue-violet toner. This is the one and only time Boots has let me down. For shame.

9. Independent cafes
Call it wanky, pretentious coffee snobbery but the ubiquitous chain cafes here in London (Pret a Manger, Caffe Nero, Costa Coffee, Starbucks etc) fill me with dread. Viva la independent cafe! Luckily for me, there are a bunch of indie cafes on the high street near my house but my first few weeks in London left me with a very large, flat white shaped hole in my heart. (Oh Small Print, how I miss you and your perfect coffees!)

10. Spray Tans
From my limited education on British beauty customs (i.e. Geordie Shore, The Only Way Is Essex, Made in Chelsea), I was under the impression that this would be the land of plenty in terms of spray tans. I, personally love a good spray tan but lo and behold, what is vastly more readily available here are sunbeds. Which, as a sun smart Aussie (slip, slop, slap!) quite frankly, horrifies me. My search for a good (and again, decently priced) spray tan continues!

All in all, my little pet peeves are a small price to pay for getting to live in this excellent city. That being said - friends, lovers, brothers and mothers... if any of you feel a burning need to send me a care package full of toner, tampons, tanning mousse and Bonds undies, please feel free. I promise I'll love you forever. 

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